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Thursday, August 31, 2006

5:43 PM

It's weird that exams are coming and i haven't even picked up a book in an attempt to even start studying. I don't think i care anymore, what does it count towards? My preliminary course? I doubt that when i go to university or whatever, they're going to look at my Year 11 mark when they have my HSC marks right in front of them. Although, i'll probably start some light study this weekend.


So, i've liked Josh for what? Two years on and off, and to be honest, i knew we would probably never happen, but somehow, my brain fed me lies and i willingly succumbed to them. In that head of mine, it was all assumed that one day, Josh and I would meet, and we'd immediately hit it off and begin a relationship. I wouldn't say i was in love, because that's stupid, i don't think it's possible to love somebody you've never met; but, it provided something for me to dream about and/or look forward to, even though, i knew perfectly well that Josh would never like me that way, i just believed the lies. I always thought that if he ever got involved with someone, i could deal with it, falling back on the safety net of always knowing deep down that there was never a chance for me and him. Now that that situation has presented itself, i think it's safe to say that i am definitely not dealing with it. Before, most of my free time was left to me fantasising about someday meeting Josh, now, all of that free time is full of me wanting to think about that, and unwillingly stopping myself, making myself think about other things, which is near to impossible. More ironic is the fact that whenever i'm upset about something or need to talk to someone, i would talk to Josh, and now, i'm inadvertently talking to my friends through here, knowing that it's awkward even mentioning the word boy in front of anybody in real life. There's just so much to deal with, and Josh was always there for me to escape to every day after school, it was like i was in another world talking to him, he just understood me so much. Now, with his boyfriend and all, he's hardly ever online. Everyday when i come home, there are new developments in Josh's relationship that he tells me about, seeing as i'm the only person he talks with about it. Which is ironic, yet again. I finally told him today that i'm really upset, because i was sick of pretending i wasn't, and now it's just made him feel bad, and it makes it look like i'm fishing for sympathy. They say time heals everything, i guess we'll just have to wait and see. And yes, if any of you ask me about it at school, i'm still going to say "i don't want to talk about it", you wouldn't want to open an emotional gate now would you? This worked up over somebody i've never met? Even i fail to understand why i'm this upset. Although, i must admit, typing this has made me feel a bit better. And let's all thank God Josh doesn't read my blog. I think it's strange that some things (i.e. all the nasty things people say to me, my mum leaving) can go completely over my head, but things like this really get to me. I think it's because Josh was my escape from those other things.


On a happier note, my Veronica Mars DVDs finally came! That's right, the DVDs i've been waiting months for, let's just say i'm not as materialistic as i once thought - not even they can take my mind off other things.
 

 

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