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Friday, January 13, 2006

11:51 PM

Well, these holidays have turned out shiet. I'm incredibly lonely, Aunty Ngaire is in New Zealand (even though she just sits there, she makes a huge difference), my Grandma's sick and usually in her room, and when she's not sick she goes out like every day. So it's always just me, watching tv, on the computer, playing Xbox. In some ways i want to go back to school, it would take my mind off missing my mum. I'd thought i'd be over the whole missing my mum thing now, but i'm not, i don't think i'll even be over it when school starts, i've seen her for like three weeks in the past year, i pretend like i don't care but i do. It was so fun when she was here, and now it's just depressing. It's surprising that i miss her more now than i did before she came, it's like i had something and now it's been taken away from me. I don't know why i miss her so much now, i didn't miss her when she went back to Malaysia last February, i guess cos when she was here that time we didn't actually do anything fun because i was at school. When it boils down to it, i imagine that it would've been a whole lot better if she didn't come in the first place. Every night when i go to bed, i just wonder why my mum can't just stay here and why she met those people in Malaysia, i keep thinking how life would be if she had never met them and was here all the time. Would i still be living at Gardeners Rd with my own room and a double bed? Would we have money problems like we do now? I can never remember worrying about money when it was just me and my mum, and now suddenly, i've started to. I still feel guilty for quitting KFC, but i've put that behind me. Now i'm trying to look for another job, at least it would take my mind off things, and that's what i need right now. I wanna go see a movie or something, just go out somewhere to cheer me up, but someone *cough* Phillip *cough* never checks his mobile, or he just doesn't wanna reply to me.

I know i usually only post what i do and where i go, on here, and i never really say what i'm feeling, but this has been bottled up inside of me for a long time and i had to let it out, even if nobody reads it, just typing it all makes me feel a bit better.
 

 

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