Thursday, August 31, 2006
5:43 PM
It's weird that exams are coming and i haven't even picked up a book in an attempt to even start studying. I don't think i care anymore, what does it count towards? My preliminary course? I doubt that when i go to university or whatever, they're going to look at my Year 11 mark when they have my HSC marks right in front of them. Although, i'll probably start some light study this weekend.
So, i've liked Josh for what? Two years on and off, and to be honest, i knew we would probably never happen, but somehow, my brain fed me lies and i willingly succumbed to them. In that head of mine, it was all assumed that one day, Josh and I would meet, and we'd immediately hit it off and begin a relationship. I wouldn't say i was in love, because that's stupid, i don't think it's possible to love somebody you've never met; but, it provided something for me to dream about and/or look forward to, even though, i knew perfectly well that Josh would never like me that way, i just believed the lies. I always thought that if he ever got involved with someone, i could deal with it, falling back on the safety net of always knowing deep down that there was never a chance for me and him. Now that that situation has presented itself, i think it's safe to say that i am definitely not dealing with it. Before, most of my free time was left to me fantasising about someday meeting Josh, now, all of that free time is full of me wanting to think about that, and unwillingly stopping myself, making myself think about other things, which is near to impossible. More ironic is the fact that whenever i'm upset about something or need to talk to someone, i would talk to Josh, and now, i'm inadvertently talking to my friends through here, knowing that it's awkward even mentioning the word boy in front of anybody in real life. There's just so much to deal with, and Josh was always there for me to escape to every day after school, it was like i was in another world talking to him, he just understood me so much. Now, with his boyfriend and all, he's hardly ever online. Everyday when i come home, there are new developments in Josh's relationship that he tells me about, seeing as i'm the only person he talks with about it. Which is ironic, yet again. I finally told him today that i'm really upset, because i was sick of pretending i wasn't, and now it's just made him feel bad, and it makes it look like i'm fishing for sympathy. They say time heals everything, i guess we'll just have to wait and see. And yes, if any of you ask me about it at school, i'm still going to say "i don't want to talk about it", you wouldn't want to open an emotional gate now would you? This worked up over somebody i've never met? Even i fail to understand why i'm this upset. Although, i must admit, typing this has made me feel a bit better. And let's all thank God Josh doesn't read my blog. I think it's strange that some things (i.e. all the nasty things people say to me, my mum leaving) can go completely over my head, but things like this really get to me. I think it's because Josh was my escape from those other things.
On a happier note, my Veronica Mars DVDs finally came! That's right, the DVDs i've been waiting months for, let's just say i'm not as materialistic as i once thought - not even they can take my mind off other things.
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Sunday, August 27, 2006
2:59 PM
Yesterday was a long day, i was out for nearly twleve hours. It started with me, Danniel, Tommy and Carlos going to City Hunter, which went well, considering Carlos and I managed to beat Tommy and Danniel in DotA twice. We left at about half past five to go to RICE; we stopped on the way to get some dinner, and unfortunately for Tommy, he didn't get served for a while, because he ordered a grilled chicken burger or something - ironic, in the sense that he was the one getting agitated at the fact that we might be late to RICE. So after he inhaled his food in a matter of seconds, we made our way to Town Hall. I can honestly admit that i have not seen that many Asians at one place at one time; two thousand i think it was. And not only was this a surprise, but also the complete flood of people trying to get inside and the constant screams of the young Christian girls.
Although, i must say, the thing itself wasn't that bad. Even if at times, things like these were repeating in my head for amusement:
The talking was boring, but the singing was alright, probably due to a distraction i probably had (the people who were there probably know what i'm talking about). I can't say i'm converted though, even though there was an opportunity for me to do so.
And let's thank the Lord i'm eating again.
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
7:56 PM
Ok, so the past couple of days i have started eating dinner again, who knows what was going on last week, my internet not working just made me feel like not eating. And now i have the most unhealthy eating pattern ever known to mankind, not eating anything all day until dinner. I think it's starting to have an effect, last night and tonight i have felt SO sick after eating dinner. Not only this, but my body is starting to hurt. I really think i was stupid not eating, and it's starting to stuff me up. I starve myself all day, and come home and basically eat a huge meal. Well i guess the first step is admitting a problem. I am seriously starting to have pains in my chest, arms, legs, everywhere. And oh, surprise, never had these pains in my life before i started basically starving myself - guess i've finally come to my senses and am going to try and develop a healthy eating pattern again. Deep down i knew it was stupid all along, i just didn't want to admit it. I'm glad i realised now before i did anymore damage. I'm not afraid to admit i probably ate one whole thing all weekend, and it was at McDonalds with Phillip, where i couldn't not eat. Reading about anorexia on Wikipedia has probably put me off not eating for good. I think the first sign was my heart starting to hurt, oh, and what does it say on Wikipedia: "Anorexia puts a particular strain on the structure and function of the heart and cardiovascular system". Although i don't think i could ever consider what i had 'anorexia', i think i was getting there. And also, this issue has been going on a lot longer than anybody knows about, i'd give it a good two months.
I'm going to eat breakfast before i leave for school tomorrow if it kills me.
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006
6:01 PM
On the upside, i did get a B in my piano exam on Saturday, but no, i'm not going to review it, ala Phillip. And i got Paris' album, which was sort of bitter sweet seeing as i don't really listen to music unless i'm on the internet - but not to worry, i orgasmed when i listened to it yesterday (mostly because the quality was so much better than the one that had leaked).
Finally, piano is over! Although, Mr. Martin would disagree. I don't know what's up with him, but he seems to have his mind set on me keeping piano going - he even offered to pay for half hour lessons. I must say i'm proud that i didn't break, even if i did sound bitchy. I don't want to be a complete pushover like somebody else i can think of.
I'm actually excited about Saturday, i mean, please, when was the last time i went out on a Saturday night. Although, it would've been boring with just me and Tommy going to RICE, it will be much more interesting with Danniel and Carlos being there. And i'm also interested to see what Carlos is like at City Hunter (if Tommy and Danniel even want him to come, which they better, so that the teams are even). I think now that Josh doesn't come online anymore it's better in the long run, i mean, i was destined to get a life at some point.
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Monday, August 21, 2006
7:20 PM
What is the fucking point of having internet if the one and only person you talk to non-stop never comes online anymore and has a boyfriend? YOU tell me.
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4:58 PM
More ecstacy (for Britney making a public appearance) <3
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
7:52 PM
Okay, so today turned out to be better than yesterday - i think i'm VERY slowly getting over it. I'm waiting for some materialistic comfort, in particular Paris's album and my Veronica Mars DVDs. Although, when i said that at Christmas, it didn't work and i was really upset, but it'll work this time, this issue isn't as big as being abandoned by my mum, which i think i worked through at the start of the year.
We had an RE test today, i expected to glide, but let's just say that wasn't the case. I wish i could use an excuse and say i was thinking about something else, but i so clearly wasn't. I tried to do what i do in every other assessment: talk out of my ass and bring in a few fancy words here and there, but i don't think even that is going to hold this one up, i'm expecting a fail. But don't mistake this and believe i actually care about such a pointless subject, but dare i say i find it interesting learning about other religions, as long as its not Christianty, we've had that shoved down our throats for all of our schooling lives and we don't need any more of it.
I finally managed to get part B of my Legal Studies assignment done, now just section C which requires no research and just more of the 'talking-out-of-my-ass' work. I think i only got my head around what was required of part B when i started to do it. Can you believe it? There are only two schools in all of Sydney for the physically disabled, how surprising.
Seeing everybody scramble to get their RE research done today and yesterday, i've come to realis un-arrogantly that i am actually a very organised person, with even Phillip and Danniel only finishing off theirs yesterday as well. I guess i only have God to thank for this wonderful gift he has given me. That was sarcasm xD
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Monday, August 14, 2006
10:05 PM
If today wasn't one of the worst days ever, i don't know what constitutes as a bad day. What i found out yesterday just kept swirling around in my head, i couldn't even concentrate, it was like it was the black plague and i was the unsuspecting English people who didn't know what hit them. And today, with further developments, tomorrow doesn't seem to be too crash hot either. I feel like i can't talk to my friends because they're just going to laugh at me and think i'm an idiot, which i know Tommy is probably doing behind my back. I never knew something like this could affect me this much, but turns out it can. I guess i'll just have to deal with it and hope to get over it soon.
Tommy asked me an interesting question yesterday, whether i just want to meet guys to have sex with them. After i said yes i had a think about it, and i came to the conclusion that i would wait until i meet someone that i love to have sex, but would fool around before finding that if the opportunity presented itself. And by fooling around i don't mean sex. And even after that i started to wonder what it would be like, and it so obviously would not be like in the movies, especially for your first time, you wouldn't know what the hell you were doing.
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Sunday, August 13, 2006
10:22 PM
So what did i do today? I went shopping, only to find out that Franklins is closing down in three weeks and Aldi will be replacing it - great. Franklins is so cheap and convenient, i love it. Now my grandma is gonna make me shop at Aldi and buy all of their shit brands.
After all of this to get home and find out some startling news, which i must say affected me for the whole day, i couldn't stop thinking about it. Although now, i think i've sorted out the issue by just talking, which i really should've done at the start. I think Tommy is the only one i've told, i think any of my other friends would just laugh and make fun of me. Weird how i've known my other friends longer, but i still consider Tommy as the easiest to talk to. He doesn't laugh or make fun of you, and God knows he's not gonna tell anyone anything you don't want him to, unlike say me or Danniel.
I can't stop listening to Paris's album. It is seriously one of the best albums i've heard in a while, and this is unbiased. The beats are hot, the songs are catchy and it's impossible to get them out of your head. While i was watching TV, all i could think about was listening to the album again. Although, i'm not the first to say she's the best singer, she knows what's good for her voice, and doesn't strain it at all by trying to hit notes she knows she can't. Her voice is a bit irritating, unlike say Britney's, whose voice you know is synthesised yet sounds natural - but it's still bearable to say the least. I think anybody who knows me well knows i don't listen to the songs because of the great voices of the person singing them.
Bring on my piano exam! I'm ready to end an era. I must say it'll be a bit weird not going anymore, hence the 'end of an era' remark.
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Saturday, August 12, 2006
3:35 PM
So i gave into temptation and downloaded Paris's album. It's good, but you shouldn't really take my biased-as-hell opinion as an indication.
This morning, as i said, i had to 'perform' at Chris's house in front of a couple of people. It was extremely nerve-racking, and as a result, i made about the most errors i've ever made in three playings. Once i made a mistake i was screwed and couldn't get back to it, although, i think i played a bit better the second time, after i had half gotten rid of the nerves (they'll never fully be gone, contrary to what Chris wants us to believe).
So, yes, what a great start to my weekend. I just want this weekend to be over, and next weekend to start, so i can buy Paris's album. All of the songs are just on repeat right about now.
I just didn't want to break the chain of posting everyday.
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Friday, August 11, 2006
7:54 PM
So today was our 'reflection day', a lot of good that did. I just kept playing Spice Up Your Life in my head over and over. Although, there was an innovative new lunch program which i didn't really like, bring back the sausages! I did manage to get a few dirty looks from Blake during the mass, what for i don't know.
Danniel and I, after the reflection day went to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend, although it was an extremely cheesy and flawed movie, it served its purpose. It's just fluff, meant to cheer us up, it does that. It wasn't boring and mildly entertaining. It wasn't as bad as i expected. I also managed to pick up a copy of The Bourne Identity for $12.99, which was a bargain. I only bought it because i have the $5 (from Franklins) sequel. I saw it in EzyDVD for $15 and decided not to get it, but who could refuse it for $12.99. I'll probably watch it tonight or tomorrow - probably tomorrow (i'm too nervous about performing my not-so-up-to-scratch piano exam pieces infront of an actual audience at Chris's house). And then i can watch The Bourne Supremacy which i've been meaning to watch ever since i bought the damn thing.
I haven't got around to finishing off the RE research yet, most likely tomorrow as well. Then i have to do a little studying for my maths test and i'm free (until i finish off Legal and make a start on Extension). It only hit me today how much work i've actually gotten through in the past week (mostly due to Monday).
Nine days until my wait for Paris's album is over! It hasn't even leaked yet, it makes me question whether i should download it before i buy it, since it's so close to being released.
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Thursday, August 10, 2006
7:12 PM
So, Ministry Week is over, unless you count Ms. Warke's ramblings tomorrow at Heffron. Today was, again, a lot more entertaining and less boring than Tuesday. The lunch was also good, bacon, lamb cutlets, sausages and potato bake. I really do feel sorry for some of the people there, particularly one who wears a helmet because she has fits - but that's probably only because she looks like my Grandma. Our favourite resident also bought us a cake each, which was nice.
I'm actually looking forward to hearing all of Danniel and Tommy's stories from their experience. I'm just hoping we don't have to talk about what we've done in front of the whole year group tomorrow, talk about embarassing, although, telling the story of Phillip chasing an escapee up the road is bound to get some laughs.
No teacher came to check on us! And here i was hoping Ms. Webster or Ms. Curis would come and at least relieve our boredome for a couple of minutes - although, it would've been embarassing if they came while i was calling for bingo, or if Phillip and I were sitting around doing nothing (which we did a lot).
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Wednesday, August 09, 2006
8:32 PM
Finally! After hours of slagging off in front of the computer (minutes at a time), my business plan is finished. It is literally one of the hardest and longest assignments i have ever done. Here's hoping for a good mark, although, even if i don't get a good mark in this section, my good marks in the previous sections will bring my overall mark up. Now to finish off Religion tomorrow and get a move on with Legal. I need some help with section B) of Legal. Hi Tommy.
Tomorrow is the last day of ministry, and i must say i'm relieved. However, today was a whole lot more entertaining than the previous day. Phillip chasing after an escaped 'patient' for a start. The lunch was nicer (a pork roast dinner), and calling for bingo was quite fun. The time also seemed to go faster, and Phillip and I seemed to get on along better with the ladies, although we have our favourites. Most of them are nice, some of them are real bitches though. I'd like to know how Danniel is doing, update your blog, much?
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Tuesday, August 08, 2006
5:24 PM
The first day at the nursing wasn't that bad, unless you consider complete boredom, or eating the worst meal in the world (corned beef, mashed potatoes and vegies) to be bad. Although, i can't complain, at least i'm not somewhere far with someone i hate. In the last fourty five minutes, Phillip and I were just playing cards anyway, as there was literally nothing to do. The old people are so used to amusing themselves, they just do it. Phillip and I did basically nothing all day, except for helping with lunch *cringes at the smell*; which i think could've been done quicker without us, as we were giving plates of food to people, and the ladies had to point them out, as we didn't know their names. Not to mention the ladies wanting to have sex with us, one of the ladies even asked Phillip if we were playing strip poker, sheesh, but it was funny. And we did get off at 2, so that's good, at least we'll make it on time to piano on Thursday - not that i've practised, i've lost all motivation due to the fact that i know i'm quitting.
I hope there's something better for lunch tomorrow! If not, i'll be sure to stock up in the morning.
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Monday, August 07, 2006
7:10 PM
After a boring day of sitting in the school library, my after-school piano lesson didn't seem that bad. Although, i shouldn't really call the day boring, as i got through part A of my Legal Studies assessment, nearly finished the RE research task and finished all of my homework. I managed to talk to Mr. Martin, who seemed pretty confident that i would be able to cope with doing Music, even after dropping Piano, and who completely ragged on Business Studies, claiming that even monkeys could do it, i'd have to disagree - the business plan still haunts me (I envy Phillip for having nearly finished it). I finally told Chris that i'm quitting piano, and he didn't seem too fussy, only saying: "that's a shame". He didn't even ask me a reason, after i had been planning one in my head all day. Mr. Martin told me i'd have to butter him up, saying that i love going to piano etc., but none of that was needed. At least now i know that if i pick up Extension 2 English, i am clearly dropping Business Studies.
I looked all through Randwick for Ricki-Lee's self titled album, after listening to it last night, nowhere seemed to have it. Although, in hind sight, that was probably a good thing. After buying Paris's album, Beyonce's album, and Stephanie McIntosh's album in the next couple of weeks, i'll have no money left, so i should really save my money to buy them. I don't know what's with this sudden album rush, with every artist competing to get their album out first.
I wonder what the nursing home will be like tomorrow, i hope there's a McDonalds near by.
I guess i don't seem too worried about my Grade 3 piano exam anymore, knowing that i'm not going back to lessons afterwards.
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
3:48 PM
So i haven't updated for a while, purely due to the fact that i have done absolutely nothing since my last update, except gone to City Hunter of course, but there's not really anything to tell about that. Now i have five assessments: a maths test; a legal assignment; my business plan; the extension english script, and a Studies of Religion. Not to mention the Music Aural homework, although i was lucky enough to be bothered to finish that off on Friday night. I've nearly completed my Religion research, and i'm about a third through my business plan. I haven't touched legal, i don't plan to work on Extension for a while, and maths won't take long to study for. Ministry week is this week, and me and Phillip have luckily gotten tomorrow to stay at school, since the nursing home at Coogee doesn't want us until Tuesday. So, basically, i'll have all of tomorrow to work on my assignments and complete some 'mistry week homework' that our teachers have set us.
On the plus side, i did manage to get 8/10 on Section 2 of my Business Plan (when i was expecting about a 6). This doesn't make doing Section 3 any easier though, it's one of the hardest assessments i've ever had, with no exaggeration. And with Ms. Webster telling me Tuesday's Advanced English test was the best work i've ever done, when i didn't study, makes me question the usefulness of even studying for tests anymore.
Last night, i was about to order 40 Year Old Virgin off of Foxtel Box Office, but i realised i shouldn't waste money on a movie, when i have a cupboard full of them at my disposable; so instead, i watched Kill Bill Volume 2. I haven't over-watchd this one, like i have Volume 1, and i think i've only watched it once since i bought the DVD (in 2004) - so it was a good watch. I used to think it was the 'boring one of the two', but i've come to realise that that isn't the case. And funnily enough, i had the urge to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre today, after lending it to Danniel yesterday.
I've finally made the decision to drop piano, i guess i'll be telling Chris tomorrow. Now to decide whether to drop Music, i have to talk to Mr. Martin, i approached him on Friday, but he was busy, so he told me to talk to him this week - maybe i'll try and catch up with him tomorrow.
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